Monday, August 15, 2011

Food and Emotion

In the past month or so I have been working very hard at eating healthier. I have been trying to avoid sweets, fried foods, breads and overly starchy foods. By doing that I feel like I have gone through a detox of sorts and my head feels very clear right now and I have made some discoveries about myself in the process. I have had a problem with food most of life. I have been fat and I have been thin, but in the past several years I have been bigger than any other time in my life. It's nasty vicious circle of getting fat because you overeat which makes you depressed and what do you do when you are depressed, you eat. Over time it just gets worse and worse. Like any other junkie you are killing yourself and you know you are killing yourself, it's just that you don't give a shit and if you do give shit you feel helpless to stop which is probably worse because then you feel guilty about it. In the past couple of weeks I have been able to cut some of those emotional ties that I have with food. I have not had many cravings or urges that I must have a certain kind of food. By not having those cravings I haven't felt like I have been denying myself. By saying I can't have that piece of cake you are denying yourself that cake, which gives the power to the cake, and sets up bargains that you make with yourself like if I am good for a few days I can have that piece of cake. I guess that is why most of us are on that constant yo-yo with weight we give all the power to the food. When you stop trying to eat healthy the bad habits come back very quickly and soon you are back in the same fix again. This time you feel a little bit worse and little more helpless and beat yourself up more. It is a terrible feeling to go through this. So instead of saying I can't have the cake I have been trying to say I don't want the cake. This gives you the power and not the food. I don't want a certain and seems like with a lot of things now I can take it or leave it. It is very freeing and I feel like I have my control of life because of it. When you think about it I think most of treat food like a teenager treats alcohol, you don't care whatever cheap ass beer you are drinking because you just want to get hammered and you just want whatever it is that get you there the quickest. We eat fast food or go to buffets because it fills that need fast and cheap. You want that rush, you want that grease running down your chin as you plow through a couple of Big Macs, basket of fries, and ginormous vat of soda. The things we do with food is just as depraved as Charlie Sheen on a weekend bender with a bag of blow, a case of bourbon, and a couple of hookers. So I am trying to break some of the emotional connections to food, and I am trying to break some bad habits that go back to childhood. By doing this I am in no means saying that I am better than anybody. I am just doing what I need to live a longer life. I am not a young person any more and I simply do not want my remaining days to filled with pain and sickness, which is what I am heading for I don't make this changes in my life. Like the 12 steppers, I take it one day at a time and today I feel better about myself than I have in a very long time.

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