45 going on ..........

This particular Saturday morning there has been a convergence of two events that has me in a reflective mood. Last night Dabney and I watched The Social Network about the creation of Facebook, and the focus is on Mark Zuckerberg who was the main creative force behind Facebook and is also the youngest billionaire in the world. This is colliding with later tonight I will be celebrating my 45th birthday with some of my friends. I feel like I am entering the next phase of my life, but do not have a fucking clue as to what that is or what I am supposed to do. I sit and wonder what the fuck happened to the last the ten or fifteen years of my life and that I should be further along towards something by now. However I am not further along and feel a bit lost. The world is largely driven by the Type A personality, the go getters with the drive and passion to get things done. As with The Social Network, even if they took liberties with some of the facts it does not change the fact those guys passion and drive made Facebook happen. I don't think I have had that kind of drive or passion for anything. I guess I am what you call a dabbler there are lots of things I like but there is not that one thing that I feel like if I was never able to do that again my life would not be the same. I don't think I can become a Type A person I think most people that are like that are just wired that way from the get go. However I think I can motivate more to move towards a goal, because there have been times in my life when I have been able to accomplish things, I just feel there is now one overarching this is my life or this is me. Actually in the past few weeks I have been in a pretty good place and feel satisfied where my life, it is just some of the changes that are happening in my life are going to take some time and that is what makes me feel like I have a few lost years where I didn't know what I was doing and just didn't care where my life was going. While you can not go back and beating yourself up too much about something like that is pointless and unproductive, it is hard to avoid sometimes. Maybe the answer just keep working on the things I can work on to make myself a better person. What can I do today to make myself a better person. When Dabney and I working on our wedding, she would get overwhelmed by the scope of everything we were trying to do. I helped her by breaking it down into smaller units of time. We do not have to have all this done, and by taking it one step at a time and working towards smaller goals, it made the big picture easier to deal with. Maybe I just need to work on the things I know I want to change and now worry about being the big picture so much. Like the 12 steppers say One day at a time.